8Chapter eight
A senior center near Chesterfield for my dad, and the other places in west county he might actually walk into
He does not need a program. He needs one room in west county with coffee, other men, and a reason to put on a clean shirt on a Tuesday. This is the list, with the phone numbers.
A senior center near Chesterfield for my dad is what you typed, and what you meant was: a room, close enough to Glencoe or Ballwin that he cannot claim it is too far, with coffee in it and men his age who will not ask how he is doing but will ask what he thinks of the bullpen. He will resist the phrase senior center with everything he has. Do not use it. Use the name of the place and the word lunch.
Why one room matters more than a dozen programs
The National Institute on Aging's page on loneliness and social isolation says loneliness and social isolation are associated with higher risks for heart disease, depression and cognitive decline, and its list of risk factors is your father's year: living alone, lack of transportation, and a major life change such as the death of a family member. So the room is not a nicety. Its suggestions are plain: a faith-based organization, senior centers and libraries, volunteering, walking with someone.
The Aging Ahead centers, with the numbers
Aging Ahead is the Area Agency on Aging for St. Louis, St. Charles, Franklin and Jefferson counties. Its programs, activities and locations page says each senior center offers meals and activities, naming crafts, exercise, bingo and games, along with Meals on Wheels delivered to eligible homebound seniors. For St. Louis County it lists five centers:
- West County, 636-227-3882
- South County, 314-631-8698
- Crown Center, 314-991-2055
- Covenant Place, 314-442-3149
- Ferguson, 314-867-5661
For Franklin County, which is where the map turns past Eureka and Pacific, the same page lists Tri County at 636-257-6264, St. Clair at 636-629-2187, and Washington at 636-239-3374. The agency's main line is (800) 243-6060. We have not visited these rooms and will not describe a Tuesday morning we did not see. Call the closest one, ask what is on the calendar this week and whether lunch needs to be ordered ahead, because some of its lunch programs ask for a week's notice. Then go with him the first time. If his address is inside the city of St. Louis rather than the county, a different agency covers him; the meals chapter has that number.
The church he already knows
The NIA suggests a faith-based organization for a reason: it is the one room he has walked into a thousand times. Whatever parish or congregation your mother took him to, the coffee after the service is the lowest-effort company in west county, and the people there already know his name and hers. Ask the parish office what meets on weekday mornings. Many have a men's breakfast, a grief group, or a ride ministry, and a widower who has stopped coming because she is not there to sit next to him is a widower somebody in that office would like to hear about. We are not naming a parish, because we have not verified any parish's schedule, and you know which one is his.
The VFW and the Legion
If he served, the post is the room. The VFW post locator finds posts near a ZIP code within a chosen radius, and a Thursday at the post is the closest thing to what the NIA means by connection that a man of his generation will accept without being asked to feel anything. For help at home rather than company, the companion chapter covers the VA programs.
Widower and grief groups
He will not go to one. He might go to one with you, once. The NIA's page on coping with grief and loss says to check with local hospitals, senior centers, religious groups, funeral homes, or your doctor to find support groups, and it makes a point most families miss: hospice professionals can provide bereavement support, and you can ask a hospice for it even if hospice was not used before the death. The same page notes that online support groups are free and can help from home, which for a man who will not walk into a church basement is not nothing. The funeral home that handled your mother's service is a good first call. They know every group in the county.
Parks and recreation
West county cities run their own recreation programs, and a pool, a walking track or a pickleball court on a weekday morning is a room too. Ballwin publishes a parks and recreation page; ask Eureka and Chesterfield the same question by phone, because we did not find a senior program page on their sites at the time of writing. The NIA's loneliness page says adults should aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity a week and suggests finding ways to exercise with others, and a walking track where the same six men show up at eight is exactly that.
Meals on Wheels sign-up
It is on this page because the meal comes with a person at the door. Aging Ahead's Meals on Wheels delivers to homebound seniors 60 or older who are unable to prepare a nutritionally balanced meal and cannot attend a congregate site, without charge and with donations welcome, by calling 1-800-243-6060, and its volunteers provide a safety check at each delivery. If he can get to a center, the center serves lunch. If he cannot, the lunch comes to him. Either way he is seen, which is the whole point of this chapter.
Getting him there
A room he cannot get to is not a room. A neighbour who already goes is the best ride there is. Aging Ahead can point to local transportation, and a helper who drives him Thursdays, waits, and drives him home turns the whole list into a habit. The driving chapter has the paratransit number and the rest.
What to do tonight
- Call the West County center at 636-227-3882 tomorrow and ask what is on this week's calendar and whether lunch needs ordering ahead.
- Call his parish office and ask what meets on weekday mornings. Say his name and your mother's.
- If he served, find the nearest post with the VFW locator and ask what Thursday looks like.
- Pick one room, pick one day, and tell him you are going together. Do not say the words senior center.
When to ask the care team or the doctor
If he has not left the house in weeks, has stopped answering the door, or you cannot get him into any room at all, that is not a places problem. The NIA's depression page lists lack of interest in activities among the signs it wants a doctor to hear about when they last more than two weeks. The grief chapter covers what to bring to that appointment.
A senior center serves lunch and bingo. It does not treat anything, and nothing on this page is a substitute for his doctor.
Questions daughters ask
Does he have to be a member, or pay, to go to an Aging Ahead center?
Aging Ahead's Meals on Wheels page says its meals, like all its services, are provided without charge with donations welcome, and its centers serve adults 60 and older. Call the center for what the day looks like and whether lunch needs to be ordered ahead. We will not describe a fee or a rule we have not seen in writing.
What if Dad refuses to go anywhere?
Go with him the first time, and pick the room by what he already likes, not by what is good for him: cards, coffee, the Cardinals, other veterans, a pool. Use the name of the place, never the category. If he still will not go, and it has been weeks of not leaving the house, that is the doctor's conversation in the chapter on grief, not a bigger push from you.
Is there one place near Chesterfield you would pick?
No, and we would be making it up if we did. Aging Ahead lists a West County center at 636-227-3882 for St. Louis County, and families in Eureka and Pacific sit close enough to the Franklin County line that the Tri County number is worth a call too. The right room is the one he will walk into twice. Only he knows which that is.
The card on the fridgeWhat a good week looks like for Dad
- He walked into one room with other people in it, and stayed a while.
This chapter adds that line. The whole card, one line per chapter, is on the front page.
Next chapterMom did everything, and now Dad can't manage: the list of what she did that nobody wrote down