Dad isn't eating since Mom died: what to notice, what to tell his doctor, and the meal fixes that do not feel like charity

Dad isn't eating since Mom died. Or he is eating, but it is cereal at four in the afternoon standing at the counter, and the funeral casseroles are still in the freezer with the foil on. You noticed the belt first. Then the collar. Then you did the math on how many weeks it has been.

There are two different problems hiding inside that one sentence, with two different fixes. One is that he has never cooked and is not going to learn at eighty-three. The other is that he is not hungry, which is a different thing entirely, and is the one that belongs to his doctor.

Not cooking is a logistics problem

The National Institute on Aging's page on coping with grief and loss puts it simply: some people who have lost a loved one lose interest in cooking and eating, and eating at home alone can feel too quiet. Its suggestions are unglamorous and they work. Have lunch with friends. Turn on the radio or the TV during meals. Learn a little about cooking for one. Nowhere does it say he needs to become a cook. It says the meals need to happen and the room needs to be less silent while they do.

So the first job is not teaching him to braise. It is making a real meal the path of least resistance in his own kitchen, so that when he opens the fridge at six there is something in it that requires nothing of him but a fork.

Not hungry is a different problem, and it has an owner

Grief flattens appetite. So do a lot of other things, and this is where a daughter has to be careful not to diagnose across the table. The NIA's page on depression and older adults lists eating more or less than usual, usually with unintended weight gain or loss, among the signs of depression, and says that if several signs last for more than two weeks, talk with the doctor, because they could be signs of depression or another health condition. It also notes that depression in older adults can be hard to recognize, and that sadness is not always the main symptom.

Read that as an instruction, not a label. Weight loss you can see is something his doctor should hear about from someone, and that someone used to be your mother. The grief or something else chapter covers what to bring to that appointment. This chapter is about the fridge.

The plate in the fridge, and other fixes that do not feel like charity

A proud man will not eat pity. He will eat leftovers. That is the whole trick.

• The plate. When you cook at your own house, make one extra plate, cover it, and put it in his fridge with a strip of tape that says "Tuesday. Microwave 3 min." A plate is not a delivery. It is what a daughter has always done with leftovers.
• The Sunday freezer. Cook one big thing on Sunday at his stove, with him at the table doing the talking. Portion it into single containers and label them. He will eat pot roast out of a container for four days and never once feel like a project.
• The five-minute shelf. The NIA's healthy meal planning tips for older adults point out that some meals can be made in as little as five minutes, and suggest pre-cut fruits and vegetables if slicing and chopping are a challenge. Stock one shelf with yogurt, cottage cheese, hard-boiled eggs, pre-cut melon, a rotisserie chicken, the good bread.
• Breakfast for dinner is fine. If the only thing he will reliably make is eggs and toast, then eggs and toast at six is a win. Do not fight over the menu. Fight for the meal.
• The radio. The NIA's grief page suggests it for a reason. A kitchen with sound in it is a kitchen he will sit down in.
• Eat with him. Once a week, at his table, on a night you name in advance. The NIA's page on services for older adults living at home names eating alone too often as the thing to worry about, and suggests sharing cooking with a friend, a potluck with neighbours, or a senior center that serves meals.

Meals on Wheels in west county: who qualifies and how to sign up

For St. Louis County, St. Charles, Franklin and Jefferson counties, the Area Agency on Aging is Aging Ahead. Its Meals on Wheels page says meals are delivered to homebound seniors 60 years or older who are unable to prepare a nutritionally balanced meal and cannot attend a congregate meal site, that the meals, like all its services, are provided without charge with donations welcome, and that the number to call is 1-800-243-6060. The same page notes that volunteers provide a safety check at each delivery, which for a daughter forty minutes away is worth as much as the meal.

If Dad lives inside the city limits, the front door is the St. Louis Area Agency on Aging, at (314) 612-5918. Which agency you call depends only on his address.

Two honest notes from the NIA's services page: meal delivery staff do not assist with making meals at home or with feeding the person, and Medicare does not generally cover meal delivery. So the public program is a hot meal at the door on weekdays and a set of eyes. It is not somebody in the kitchen.

Somebody in the kitchen

The version that changes a widower's week is not a delivery. It is a person who comes on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, asks him what your mother used to make, and cooks it with him standing there being unhelpful and happy. There is a hot meal, leftovers labelled for Wednesday, the dishes done, and two hours of talking to a human. That is what a non-medical companion caregiver actually does in a kitchen, and it is the one thing on this page that is not free.

Questions daughters ask

How much weight loss is too much?

We will not put a number on it, because the number belongs to his doctor and the scale in that office. The NIA lists unintended weight loss among the signs it wants a doctor to hear about, and the daughter who noticed the belt is exactly the person to make the call.

Does Medicare pay for meals or for someone to cook?

No. The NIA's services page says Medicare does not generally cover meal delivery, and that companion visits are generally not covered by Medicare, Medicaid or private insurance. Aging Ahead's Meals on Wheels is provided without charge for those who qualify. A caregiver who cooks with him is paid privately, and rate questions go to the company, not to us.

Is it okay that he eats cereal for dinner?

For a night, yes. For a month, it is a sign the meal is not happening, not a sign he likes cereal. The NIA's meal tips talk about protein to maintain muscle and about meals that take five minutes. Cereal plus a hard-boiled egg and a piece of fruit is a five-minute meal. Cereal alone is a habit.