Dad is depressed after Mom died. What can I do? Grief, something else, and when to make the appointment

Dad is depressed after Mom died. What can I do? Every daughter who types that into a phone at two in the morning already knows the honest answer is "I don't know if it's depression," and she is right not to know, because that is not hers to decide. It is not ours either. This chapter will not tell you what your father has. It will tell you what the National Institute on Aging says is ordinary after losing a spouse, what it says is not, and what to do with the difference: make one phone call.

What the NIA says is normal

The NIA's page on coping with grief and loss begins with the plain fact that when someone close to you dies, your world changes. You may feel numb, shocked and fearful, guilty for being the one still alive, even angry at the person for leaving, and all of these feelings are normal. There are no rules about how you should feel, it says, and no right or wrong way to mourn. It calls a roller coaster of emotions common for a while, and it says mourning takes time.

The page is specific about widowers. Facing the future without a spouse can be scary, especially for those who have never lived alone, and people who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed. The sentence that follows is the one to underline: talk with your doctor about how you are feeling. The NIA does not hand grief a timeline. It hands it a doctor.

What the NIA says is something more

The same page describes complicated grief: mourning that goes on so long or is so distressing that it becomes unhealthy, where a person may be unable to accept the loss or has trouble resuming their own life. It calls that a serious condition that may need additional help, and says that if sadness is making it difficult to carry on day to day, help is available.

Its page on depression and older adults adds the piece daughters most need. Depression is common among older adults but not a normal part of aging, and some people experience it after a major life event such as the death of a loved one. It can be hard to recognize, because sadness is not always the main symptom; a person may instead show emotional numbness or a lack of interest in activities. Among the signs it lists are eating more or less than usual with unintended weight change, and increased use of alcohol. Then the sentence that turns worry into a plan: if several of these signs last for more than two weeks, talk with the doctor, because they could be signs of depression or another health condition. It adds that certain medications or medical conditions can cause symptoms of depression, and that a doctor can rule those out.

So the line is not "sad" versus "fine." It is "more than two weeks of several of these" versus "a hard month." You do not have to decide which side he is on. You have to book the appointment and describe what you have seen, in detail, the way your mother would have.

Dad is drinking more since Mom died

You may have noticed the recycling. Say it to the doctor, not to him, at least not first. The NIA's grief page lists drinking too much alcohol among the habits that can put a grieving person's health at risk, its depression page lists increased use of alcohol as a sign for the doctor, and its page on taking medicines safely as you age says to tell the doctor honestly about alcohol because it can affect how well medicines work. Three federal pages, one instruction: it goes on the list for the appointment.

How to ask him the hard question

Daughters avoid this one because they are afraid of planting an idea. The NIA's depression page addresses that fear directly: asking if someone is having thoughts of suicide will not make them more likely to act on those thoughts, and your questions may help the person open up. So ask. Sit next to him, not across from him, ask whether he has had thoughts of not wanting to be here, then be quiet and let him answer all the way to the end.

If the answer frightens you, the number is 988. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline says you can call, text, or chat with a counselor anytime, day or night, that it is available 24/7/365, and that conversations are free and confidential. The NIA adds that for TTY you dial 711, then 988, and that if he is in immediate danger you call 911 or go to an emergency room. Put 988 in your phone tonight, and in his, and tape it inside the cabinet door where the pill box lives.

How long does grief last in an elderly widower?

As long as it lasts. That is not evasion, it is what the source says. The NIA gives no calendar for mourning a spouse of fifty-five years, and neither will we. What it gives is a shape: a doctor's visit if everyday life stops working, and a two-week line for the specific signs on its depression page.

Where the company is

Loneliness is not depression, but the NIA's page on loneliness and social isolation says they travel together: loneliness and social isolation are associated with higher risks for heart disease, depression and cognitive decline. Its list of risk factors reads like his year: living alone, lack of transportation, and a major life change such as the death of a family member. Its suggestions are ordinary: a faith-based organization, senior centers, a walking partner.

For grief in particular, the NIA's grief page says to check with local hospitals, senior centers, religious groups, funeral homes or your doctor to find support groups. Hospice professionals can provide bereavement support even if hospice was not used before the death. The places chapter has the west county list.

Questions daughters ask

Is this grief or depression?

We do not know, and we would be lying to say we did. The NIA says grief has no rules and no timeline, and that when several specific signs last more than two weeks, that is a doctor's question. Take the question to the doctor, with your notes. That is the whole answer, and it is a good one.

What do I say if he says he does not want to be here?

Say that you heard him, that you are staying, and that you are going to call 988 together. The 988 Lifeline is free, confidential, and answers around the clock by call, text or chat. The NIA says asking about suicide does not make it more likely, and says to call 911 if the danger is immediate. You do not need the right words. You need to stay in the room.

Would having someone come to the house help?

Company helps loneliness, and the NIA's loneliness page says connection matters to health. Company is not treatment. In that order: the appointment first, then the people at the table.