Dad is drinking more since Mom died. What do I say, and who do I call?

16Chapter sixteen

Count the bottles, write the dates, and take the note to his doctor. The NIA wants alcohol named next to his medicines, and 988 is the number if tonight scares you.

Since Mom Died desk. September 11, 2026. Non-medical. Not a doctor's advice.

Dad is drinking more since Mom died. What do I say, and who do I call? You noticed the recycling first, or the glass in the sink that was not there when she was alive, or the way the evening got quiet in a different way. You do not need a speech. You need a count, a sentence for the doctor, and one number in your phone if tonight gets worse than a bottle.

The grief chapter already names drinking in a short list. This chapter is the practical page: what to notice, what to write down, what to take to the appointment, and what to do with your hands when you are angry in his kitchen. It will not tell you he has a drinking problem. That word is not ours to use.

Notice the recycling before you write the speech

Go to the bin at the end of the drive. Count what is there. Write the date on a legal pad. Come back next week and do it again. A lecture on the first visit teaches him to hide the bottles, not to drink less. A pad with dates is something a doctor can use. A speech is something he can win.

Sit next to him, not across from him. If you say anything at all, make it one true sentence and then stop. "Dad, I saw more bottles this month than last, and I am going to mention it to the doctor so the medicines stay straight." Then let him talk. If he says it is nothing, write that down too. You are not trying to win the evening. You are trying to keep the record. The game can stay on the radio. The chair can stay his. The right room for this sentence is the exam room, not the kitchen at nine o'clock.

What the NIA wants his doctor to hear

The National Institute on Aging's page on coping with grief and loss lists drinking too much alcohol among the habits that can put a grieving person's health at risk. That is the whole sentence, and it is enough. It does not give you a number of drinks. Neither will we. "Too much" is a doctor's phrase, not a daughter's spreadsheet.

The NIA's page on depression and older adults lists increased use of alcohol among the signs it wants a doctor to hear about. It also says that if several signs last for more than two weeks, talk with the doctor, because they could be signs of depression or another health condition. Several signs, more than two weeks: the meals, the sleep, the things he has stopped, and the bottles. Write all of them. Do not pick the drinking out as the only line. The doctor needs the week, not the verdict.

The same grief page says people who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed, and the next sentence is to talk with your doctor about how you are feeling. That appointment is the container for this chapter. Put alcohol on the list the way you put the skipped meals.

Alcohol and the pill box are the same appointment

The NIA's page on taking medicines safely as you age says to tell the doctor honestly about alcohol because it can affect how well medicines work. That is the sentence to carry into the room. Not "he has a problem." "He is drinking more than he did, and I need you to hear that next to the list of what he takes."

Bring the medicine list from the pills chapter: every medicine, including over-the-counter, vitamins and supplements, with the name, the amount, and the times. The NIA wants that list shown to every provider, with one copy at home and one in a wallet. Alcohol goes on the same piece of paper, in your handwriting, with dates. Nobody on this site will guess what a glass does to a tablet.

What not to do in the kitchen

Do not pour the house out in a fight. A raid on the cabinet turns tonight into a hunt, and a hunt is how a proud man starts drinking in the garage. You are not the sheriff. You are the daughter who noticed.

Do not bargain with the recycling. Do not hide the keys as punishment, which is a different conversation in the driving chapter. Do not diagnose him to a sibling by text. Do not use a label at his table. Write the dates. Book the appointment. Go with him. Ask to speak to the doctor for two minutes if he will not say it himself.

If a sibling thinks you are overreacting, hand them the pad. The NIA's page on sharing caregiving responsibilities says to work out the care needs together when there is not an emergency, and to decide who is responsible for which tasks. Counting bottles can be a shared task. Arguing about whether it "counts" cannot.

If you are frightened tonight

Frightened is different from annoyed. Annoyed is extra bottles. Frightened is a man who is not himself, or who says he does not want to be here. Ask him the question you are avoiding. The NIA's depression page says asking if someone is having thoughts of suicide will not make them more likely to act, and that your questions may help the person open up. Sit next to him. Ask whether he has had thoughts of not wanting to be here. Let him finish.

If the answer frightens you, the number is 988. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline says you can call, text, or chat with a counselor anytime, day or night, that it is available 24/7/365, and that conversations are free and confidential. The NIA adds that for TTY you dial 711, then 988, and that if he is in immediate danger you call 911 or go to an emergency room. Put 988 in your phone tonight, and in his. Tape it inside the cabinet door where the pill box lives. You do not need the right words. You need to stay in the room.

What to do tonight

• Look at the recycling and the cabinet without a speech. Write what you see and today's date on a legal pad.
• Write the same note for the last few weeks, as best you remember: more, less, or you do not know.
• Put 988 in your phone and in his. Tape it inside the cabinet door next to the pill box.
• Call the doctor's office in the morning and ask for the next appointment. Say you want to come along. Put "alcohol, honestly, next to the medicines" on the list you will hand over.

When to ask the care team or the doctor

The NIA's rule is several signs, more than two weeks, talk with the doctor. Increased use of alcohol is one of those signs. Weight change, sleep that has gone strange, no interest in the things he loved, any talk of death: they go on the same list. Bring the pad. Ask the doctor to hear the alcohol next to the medicines, because the NIA says it can affect how well those medicines work.

If he mentions not wanting to be alive, or you find something that frightens you, that is 988 tonight or 911 now. It is not a wait-and-see, and it is not a website.

Questions daughters ask

How much drinking is too much?

We will not put a number on it. The NIA lists drinking too much alcohol among habits that can put a grieving person's health at risk, and lists increased use of alcohol as a sign for the doctor, without giving a daughter's units. Write what you have seen, with dates, and take it to the appointment. The amount is the doctor's question.

Should I pour the bottles out?

Not in a fight, and not as a surprise raid. Pouring the house out teaches him to hide the next bottle. Count, write the date, put it on the appointment list, and tell the doctor honestly because alcohol can affect how well medicines work. The cabinet is not tonight's argument.

What if I am frightened tonight?

Stay in the room. Ask whether he has had thoughts of not wanting to be here. The NIA says asking about suicide does not make it more likely. If the answer scares you, call or text 988. The 988 Lifeline is free, confidential, and answers around the clock. If the danger is immediate, call 911.

The card on the fridgeWhat a good week looks like for Dad

• Somebody counted the bottles without a lecture, and the doctor has the dates.

This chapter adds that line. The whole card, one line per chapter, is on the front page.

Disclosed feature. New Plan Care is a client of OwnersFirm, which publishes this site, and pays for this placement. It was not ranked against anything on this page.

New Plan Care

New Plan Care is an independently owned non-medical in-home care company based in Chesterfield, Missouri. Its caregivers come to the house for a few hours at a time in Ballwin, Chesterfield, Eureka, Glencoe, Grover, Pacific, Valley Park and St. Louis, and a person at the table on an evening that has gotten too quiet is the kind of company they keep. It does not publish an hourly rate, and neither do we.

Call New Plan Care at (314) 405-0887.

New Plan Care pays for this spot. It is a client of OwnersFirm, which publishes this site, so read it as an advertisement with a phone number rather than as a result, a rank or a recommendation drawn from any of the articles on this page.

Next chapterDad stopped going out after Mom died. How do I get him back into a room?