Somebody in your house used to make the list. It was probably on the back of an envelope or the pad by the phone, and it had his favorite cereal on it without anyone ever calling it a favorite. Now the list is in your head, or nowhere, and the fridge is telling you about it before he does.

Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.

This chapter is about one decision: who buys the food from now on. You have three honest answers. You can do the shop yourself. You can have it delivered. You can hire someone to go into the store with a list. Most families end up using two of the three, and the mix changes over the months. Nothing here has to be settled tonight. What has to be settled tonight is that someone owns the next shop, with a day on it.

What to do tonight

Open the fridge and the pantry and write down the five things he eats most. Not the things he buys, the things he actually eats. Ask him one question at a time: what do you want for supper Thursday? If he says he does not care, name two things and let him pick the one he dislikes less. His stubbornness is useful here. A man who will not discuss his food will often correct a wrong guess about it faster than he would ever volunteer the right answer.

Then check what you already have. Milk, eggs, bread, and anything with a date printed on it go to the front. Anything past its date goes in the bin, with him watching if he wants to. Do not throw out his jam without asking him first.

Do it yourself

Doing the shop yourself gives you the most control over quality and the least control over your body and your hours. Check what you can actually carry from the car. Two bags up one flight of steps is a different job from a cart you can push to the door. Check the store hours and when the lot is easy to park in. If you go after work, the bread and the cold cases may already be picked over. Write the list the night before and group it by the aisles you walk, so you are not zigzagging across the store.

Watch for what you forget. People who shop for an older parent usually remember the milk and forget the trash bags, the lightbulbs, and the one brand of coffee filters he will drink from. Keep a running list on the fridge with a pen tied to it, and add to it whenever you notice an empty spot. That list is his house, written down.

Have it delivered

Delivery works well for the heavy and the repeated: canned goods, cases of drinks, and the same five things every week. It works less well for fresh food and anything picky. Before you choose a service, check four things. Who picks the items, and can you see the picks before they are packed? What happens when something is out of stock, and does the service swap it without asking you? Can you mark the items that must not be swapped, like his bread or the particular cheese he will not eat instead? And who receives the bags? If he answers the door, find out whether he will sign for groceries, or set the drop for a time you can be there.

Keep the account in your name or in an account you both agree to, and look over the charges once a month. If you want names of services near you, start with Local Help for a Widowed Father in St. Louis.

Hire someone to shop

A hired helper or an in-home non-medical caregiver can go into the store with your list and bring the bags back. Ask what the job includes before you agree. Find out whether they will shop from a written list only, whether they will call you before substituting anything, and whether they will handle his money or only carry a card you have approved. Ask whether they will stay to put things away, since the shelf is where he will notice whether the food is right. Ask what happens if the store is out of what you wrote down.

Set a stop rule in writing. Say what the helper does not do: no cooking unless you have agreed to it, no going through the cupboards to throw things out without you, no deciding what he will eat. A helper who knows the edges of the job will do the middle of it better. Keep the list and the receipts together in one folder so you can see what came in and what went out.

When to ask the doctor

Bring it up at his next visit, or call the office sooner, if he has lost interest in food for several weeks, if the same few items are all that is left in the house, or if he seems not to remember what he has eaten. Those are things his doctor should hear from you, not guess at from the fridge. Write down what you see and the day you noticed it, so you can read it aloud in the exam room. Do not wait for a crisis to mention the groceries.

The good-week card

This week, the shop had an owner, the list lived on the fridge, and he was asked what he wanted to eat.