Somewhere in the first months, you will notice the radio is off. Or it has been on the same station since Mom died and nobody has touched the dial. Or the television plays all night for company and he does not seem to hear it. None of these is an emergency on its own. Together they can be the first sign that the way grief moves through the house has changed, and you are the one who can see it, because you know what the kitchen used to sound like.
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What to look for
Walk through the house once in the evening and listen. Mom probably had a station on in the kitchen, a record or a particular playlist, a program she watched at the same hour. Notice which of those are still running and which have stopped. A radio that is always on, loud, with nobody listening, can mean he cannot stand the silence. A radio that has been off for weeks, with her favorite things put away in a drawer, can mean he has shut a door he is not ready to open. Neither one means something is wrong with him. Both are worth a quiet conversation.
Pay attention to what he does with her things. Some men keep her coffee mug on the same hook for a year. Some cannot look at the mug at all. Either way, watch whether the house is being lived in or only held. A house that is only held often has the lights on in one or two rooms, the rest closed up, and the day running without any sound at all.
Listen for the phone too. If calls from old friends have gone unanswered and the radio is off, the two together are a better signal than either one alone.
What to do tonight
Sit in the kitchen with him for ten minutes with nothing to fix. Do not ask how he is feeling. Ask one small question about her: what she used to hum while she cooked, which station she turned on first thing. Let him answer at his own speed. If he wants music, put on something she liked and keep it low. If he wants quiet, let him have it and leave the light on over the stove.
Do not turn the radio off because you think it is too loud, and do not switch it on because you think he should not sit in silence. Ask him which he would like. Then remember the answer, because it tells you where he is.
When to ask the doctor
Ask his doctor soon, not at the next routine visit, if the quiet has come with several weeks of poor sleep, not eating, not bathing, or not leaving the house, or if he seems to have stopped feeling anything at all. A doctor can look at the whole picture and decide what kind of help fits. Write down what you have seen, in your own words and in order, and bring the list.
If he ever talks about not wanting to be alive, or about harming himself, do not wait for an appointment. Call the emergency number where you live, or a crisis line such as 988 if you are in the United States, and stay with him until help arrives.
Good-week card: The radio came on in the kitchen once, and he picked the station.