If you are looking for meal help for your widowed father in St. Louis, you have probably seen the signs already: crackers for dinner, cereal at every meal, a refrigerator full of things your mother bought and he has not touched. For a lot of dads, she was the one who cooked, and without her the kitchen has gone quiet. He is not refusing to eat. He just never had to plan a supper, shop for it, cook it and clean up after it, all alone.
Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.
The plain answer: non-medical in-home help can take over the parts of a meal that have fallen away. A caregiver can make a grocery list with him, pick up the groceries, cook a hot meal in his own kitchen, sit down with him while he eats, put leftovers in labeled containers for the next day, and wash the dishes. That is often the single most useful thing an in-home companion does. Before you agree to it, though, read the quote and the task list closely, because meal help can mean very different things on paper.
What meal help looks like in his kitchen
A good meal visit is not a delivery. The caregiver comes in, asks what sounds good, and cooks something he recognizes, ideally one of the dishes your mother used to make. They eat together or at least sit together. Before leaving, they set up the next meal so he only has to heat it. Over a few weeks, they learn what he likes, what he leaves on the plate, and which days he skips lunch.
If he has a special diet from his doctor, the caregiver can follow written instructions you or the doctor provide. They cook; they do not decide what is medically right for him. Questions about diet go to his doctor.
Read the quote for every step of the meal
When an agency sends a quote or a proposed care plan, look for these pieces by name. If one is missing, ask.
Groceries. Does the plan include shopping? Who pays at the store, how is the receipt handled, and does the caregiver drive their own car or his? Ask how the money side is recorded so you can see every trip.
Cooking. Does it say the caregiver will cook a meal during the visit, or only reheat something already made? Those are different amounts of time and skill. If you want real cooking, make sure the plan says cooking.
Extra portions. Does the plan say the caregiver will make enough for another meal and leave it labeled? This is where one visit becomes two or three days of eating well. If it is not written down, it may not happen.
Cleanup. Does it include washing dishes, wiping the counters, and clearing out food that has gone off? A kitchen left with a sink full of pans undoes the good of the meal for a man who already finds the kitchen hard.
Visit length. Cooking, eating and cleaning up together take time. Ask the agency whether the hours on the quote leave room for the whole meal, or only part of it. A short visit tends to turn into reheating.
Timing. Is the visit scheduled at a mealtime? A morning visit that ends before lunch helps less than one that lands at supper. Ask whether the visit time is written into the plan.
What to do tonight
Open the refrigerator and the pantry and write down what is there and what is gone. Then write down three meals he would eat happily if someone put them in front of him. That list is worth more than any menu an agency could hand you. The local help page can point you toward help in his part of the area.
When to ask the doctor
If he is losing weight you can see, has trouble chewing or swallowing, seems unusually tired or confused, or has a diet he is supposed to follow and is not, tell his doctor. Not eating after a loss is common, but it can also be a sign of something that needs a closer look.
For the good-week card
Add one line: three real suppers this week, and something in the refrigerator for tomorrow. That is a good week. If you are still in the early months, Start Here: The First Hundred Days has more on what the rest of the house needs too.