You notice it on a Sunday. The neighbor who used to bring the paper up the drive waves from the street and keeps walking. You call your father and it rings eight times. When he finally picks up he says he was in the shower, which may be true, and then says he is tired, which is also true, and he does not ask you to come over. Somewhere in the last while, the front door stopped being a door people walk through.
Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.
What you are actually seeing
Pulling back from people is different from wanting a quiet house. Plenty of widowed men want quiet for a while, and that is not a problem to fix. The real question is whether the people who used to be part of his week are still getting through to him at all. Sit down with a pen and write the names of the five people who used to see him most: his brother, the men from the coffee group, a neighbor, a friend from church, your aunt. Next to each name, write when he last saw or talked to that person. Be honest about the guesses. If you cannot remember, that is information too.
Then look at the house. Are cards and casserole dishes still sitting on the counter weeks later, or has he started returning them? Is the porch light coming on at night, the newspaper brought in, the car backing out at the usual time? Are the phone messages piling up unanswered? Small signs matter more than big ones, because he is probably still doing what he can to look all right.
Watch for a pattern rather than a single bad day. A man who skips one coffee group and phones his brother the next morning is not in trouble. A man who has turned down every invitation for six weeks, lets calls go to voicemail, and says he is fine in a voice that ends the conversation is telling you something.
What to do tonight
Do not argue him into company, and do not make a speech about how worried you are. Pick one thing that asks very little. Call the person on your list he has always been easiest with, and ask them to stop by with nothing more than a pot of coffee and twenty minutes of talk about the weather or the game on the radio. Ask them to keep it short and to leave while he is still enjoying it, because a visit that ends well is the one he will say yes to again.
Then call him yourself and ask one open question he can answer in a sentence: What did you have for lunch, or who called you this week? Listen to how he answers more than to what he says. If he mentions a person, you have something to build on. If he says nobody, tell him you heard him, and that you will be by on Thursday. Then be by on Thursday.
Write down what you saw in the house, the names you checked, and what he told you. A written list is easier to bring to a doctor than a feeling, and it is easier to share with anyone else who helps him.
When to ask the doctor
Call his doctor's office within a day or two if the pulling back has lasted several weeks and comes with changes you can see: he is skipping meals, sleeping most of the day or barely sleeping at all, letting his pills or appointments slide, or losing interest in things he has always enjoyed. A doctor can look at whether something more than grief is going on, and can check whether a physical problem is making him feel worse. You do not need proof. Your written list is enough to start the call.
Call the same day, or call 988 if you are in the United States, if he says he does not want to be here, talks about not waking up, gives his things away, or you are worried he might hurt himself. Do not wait for a better moment. Ask him directly, in plain words, whether he is thinking about ending his life. Asking does not plant the idea, and a direct answer tells you what to do next.
The good-week card
A good week for this is one where someone who used to matter to him came through the door, and he let them stay. Write that on a card and put it on the fridge: Someone came in and he let them stay. Add a line each time it happens again.
If you want the wider picture of the first months, start with Start Here: The First Hundred Days.