Many couples bought their plots years before anyone needed them, then put the paper somewhere safe and forgot where that was. The deed may be in the filing cabinet with the will, in a folder marked cemetery, or in the jewelry box where Mom kept things she didn't want to lose. Whatever drawer it is in, it matters now, because the paper decides who can use the space and what the cemetery has agreed to do.

Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.

What to find

Look for the deed or certificate of ownership, the lot and section numbers, the name or names on it, and any paperwork about perpetual care, which is the cemetery's promise to maintain the grounds. Look for any signed agreement for opening and closing a grave, and for any paperwork about a marker or monument. Make a copy of every page before you take anything to the office.

What to check

Check whose name is on the deed. If only Mom's name is there, ask the office how the other space is transferred and what they need from you. If both names are on it, ask whether either of you can authorize a burial alone and what the office requires. Compare the lot numbers on the deed with the cemetery map. Check whether the care terms are a promise or an optional fee, and whether any fee is paid once or every year. Ask for everything in writing, and ask the office to list what they will need from you the next time anyone is buried there.

What to do tonight

Don't sign a new form tonight, whatever it is called. If a cemetery or funeral-related sales office calls, say you will call back once you have the deed in front of you. Find the paper, put it in one folder, and write the lot and section numbers on the front. Tell your father what you found, and ask whether he remembers choosing the plot. It may be the first quiet conversation you have had about it, and that is fine.

When to get help with the terms

If the wording is unclear, or if the deed lists a name that is no longer living, take a copy to a lawyer who handles estates or property and ask them to explain what it says. The cemetery office can explain its own rules, but a lawyer can explain what the paper means for your family. Bring a copy, not the original.